The art of mooning is something I hold very close to my heart. I’d like to think that between the ages of 8-18, I was as prolific a mooner as there was in Logan County, Ohio. Sure, most kids have mooned people at some point during their youth. However, I mooned so often that most times my bum had a sun tan. I was fearless, and I didnt discriminate. I mooned young people, old people, friends, strangers, rich folks, and poor folks. I mooned people in different towns, and even different states. If I could have been paid for it, I’d be retired today.

What set me apart from most mooners was my courage. Not only did I moon people passing by in the cars beside us, I mooned people behind, and in front of us. Chris Weiser will tell you that the day he towed his Chevette to the junkyard, my butt prints were still burned into the passenger side of his windshield. But I never limited myself to only cars. I mooned from houses, school buses, roadsides, and even highway overpasses. The highway overpass was the optimal location to moon law enforcement vehicles. But I would recommend “working up” to that type of activity.

My infamous mooning career nearly ended almost before it started. Like most kids growing up in rural Ohio, I rode a school bus to and from school every day. Obviously, the very back seats were the most coveted seats on the bus for various reasons. One of those reasons….was mooning. By our 4th grade year, the Hart brothers and I had managed to score the back seats. One day however, my bravery got in the way of due diligence, and I thought my life would change forever. We were stopped outside Middleburg one day when a sedan pulled up behind us. I sprung into action! Without warning, my buns were firmily pressed against the back window. It was cold, and immediately I could feel my well tanned skin tighten, but the excitement I got from mooning that unsuspecting car was intoxicating. The Hart brothers and I celebrated my new conquest. We could carve another notch in the backseat! I suppose curiosity overcame me though, and I turned to see what the victim looked like, hoping to get a good look of the terror on their face. But to my terror, the face in that car was all too familiar. My victim that afternoon, was my Aunt LuAnne. That was the first time I thought that my life might end. Lucky for me, she either didnt recognize those sun-tanned butt cheeks, or she chose to keep it our little secret, but never a word was ever mentioned about it.

I’ll surely never forget that day nearly 25 years ago. And I’m sure she never will either. She needn’t worry about a repeat of that day however, I’ve been retired from competitive mooning for several years now. I’m glad to say, my bum is as white as it’s ever been.

I have nipples.

I know that is a lot to take in all at once, so I’ll understand if you let that sink in for awhile. But it’s true, I have nipples. I mean, they are kind of like what women have, but without the boobs. It was embarassing to know I was the only boy with nipples on his chest. Thank goodness I had a chest full of hair by age 7, so I could kind of hide them behind the hair, and nobody could see them. I always thought that maybe people knew something wasn’t right though, because they always stared at me when I wasnt wearing a shirt. I would scream something like “What’s wrong? Never seen a hairy chest on a 2nd grader before?” That usually worked and they wouldn’t try looking for them after that.

Even after 37 years, I haven’t really figured out what they do. As hard as I have tried, I cannot produce milk. I always thought that was what nipples were there for, but no matter how hard I squeeze, or even when I hook up those suction things that they put on cows, I still can’t get any milk out of them? I’ve even asked God why He gave me broken man nipples. I went to the only place I’ve ever heard Him speak; Wal Mart. When I asked Him why He gave them to me, He just blurted out in His booming voice “Mr. Smith to the automotive department please, your auto is finished!” That kind of sucked.

"I'll see you in 3 to 6 years Baby"

 A Pennsylvania man robbed a bank, but could have cared less about the money. Anthony Miller wanted to escape his overbearing wife so badly, he was willing to go to jail to get away from her.

His defense attorney claims that Mr. Miller approached the bank tellers with a BB gun, asked for money, and then told them to call the police. He even periodically ask for updates as to when the police would be arriving.

It seems that his wife was so overbearing, he couldn’t take it anymore. Any suggestions to her to end the marriage only prompted her to threaten to commit suicide. So…Mr. Miller took the passive way out, so to speak.

I, for one, applaud his efforts! I think this tactic is absolute genius! I have always felt is is easier to go to jail than it is to deal with a mean woman. If I were on that jury, I would send him away for as long as he feels it’s necessary to escape that Battle Ax.

I’m sure Jon Gosselin is wishing he had thought of it years ago.

NASA Astronaut Buck Owens

OK, so that’s not really what they said. But the recent announcement that our plans to return to the moon might be in jeopardy raised several questions with me.

But first, let me provide some background. Constellation, which is George W. Bush’s 2004 version of the Apollo Moon missions, is projected to be over budget for it’s exploratory missions, including the planned 2020 manned launch to the moon. It’s projected that the program will need at least $3 billion a year to meet it’s goal of landing men on the moon for the first time since 1972.

First of all, I want to make sure I understand this correctly. George W. Bush, when trying to determine what his contribution and legacy would be to the American space program (and to science in general), decided to do something that was already done FORTY FUCKING YEARS AGO? This was his idea of exploration and progress? Brilliant. Maybe he can invent a microwave oven while he’s at it.

But setting Bush’s infinite stupidity aside, my other question is more about why it would take us almost 15 years to figure out how to go BACK to the moon? Didn’t the nice fellows that worked at NASA in the 1960′s jot some instructions down? You know, something like:
1. Get directions to the moon
2. Build a rocket
3. Find 3 guys who can fly a rocket
4. Make sure at least one of those guys can land a rocket
5. If rocket doesn’t work, or US economy sucks, then contact movie studio and rent fake moon set.
6. Fire 3 guys who can fly the rocket, and hire 3 guys who can keep a secret.

For the kind of money we dump into NASA each year, we ought to be able to go to the moon whenever we want to flex our muscles to the world. We lose in men’s basketball in the Olympics? Send somebody to the moon and jab a US flag into it. What..Miss America didn’t win Miss Universe? That’s bullshit! Get somebody up there to plant another flag!

As all great coaches say, “Act like you’ve been there before!” We sure aren’t acting like we’ve been there before are we?

Lohan Celebrates Ramadan

After reading that a 32-year old mother of two would be caned because she was caught drinking beer, my first thought was “Wow, the Amish aren’t screwing around anymore!” Then I thought, “No way, 32-years old and only two kids; she can’t be Amish!”, and I continued to read on.

 The lady guilty of this wonderful act was Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno of Malaysia. It seems that drinking alcohol is against Islamic law. In fact, getting caught drinking can result in a three year prison term, as well as six lashes with the cane. To put that in perspective, an Islamic man convicted of rape also gets the cane, but he has to get his lashes with his pants down. Hardly seems fair to me, but hey, it’s their crazy little religion, they can do what they want I guess.

The “criminal” was given a short reprieve though because of the Islamic holiday Ramadan. Ramadan is where they fast for several days (good God, is it any wonder they blow themselves up?), so she will not be caned until after the holiday is over. How humane of them.

It made me wonder how long a trainwreck celebrity like Lindsay Lohan would last as a Muslim? At best, she might be able to make it from Monday to Thursday. Friday nights for her might as well just start with a good sound caning…just to get it out of the way.

It wouldn’t just be the alcohol though, the Islamic dress code for women would do her in too. They are forced to cover their entire bodies, and this is a girl who can’t get out of a BMW without showing off her “woo ha ha”. I’ve seen that thing so many times on the internet I feel like I ought to get her something for Sweetest’s Day this year.

Islamic authorities claim though that the caning isn’t meant to be punishment as much as it is to be educational. It serves as a deterrent for others who have the urge to break the law. To me, it seems more like a deterrent to those thinking about becoming a Muslim.

Is it McMac or iMac

Anyone familiar with Apple’s line of products knows there is a common denominator in all of their names. Apple places the “i” in front of everything; iPod, iPhone, iTunes, iMac…you get the picture. At first it was catchy, and even kind of “techy”, if that’s a word?

Now though…it seems just plain uncreative. They remind me of McDonald’s and how they didnt think of anything creative, they just placed a “Mc” in front of whatever they were selling that month. It wasn’t a rib sandwich, it was a McRib sandwich! Good-bye milkshake…hellooo McShake! Seriously though, what’s the difference between an iPhone, and a McPhone? Or McChicken versus an iChicken?

So, I can’t wait to see what the next invention is that will bear the “i”. Will it be the iCar? How about the iGun? I’ll admit, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the iVagina.  Although they would probably have to get a little more creative for that one.

Minnie Mouse checking out my son

John William Moyer, 60, was convicted Tuesday of beastiality misdemeanor battery stemming from a charge that he groped Minnie Mouse at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida.

Mr Moyer was sentenced to 180 days probation (I assume prohibiting him from “petting” animals for 180 days?), write Minnie an apology letter and complete 50 hours of community service. He also must pay $1000 in court costs and possibly undergo a psychological evaluation. But throughout the trial, Mr. Moyer insisted that he was inncocent, and his son vouched for him saying that his father would never inappropriately touch a woman, let alone a mouse. And you know what….I believe him.

I present to you…Exhibit A (inset picture, top left). This is a picture I took myself of my son visiting with Mickey and Minnie Mouse in Orlando this past February. As you can clearly see, as Jake was hugging Mickey and saying good bye, Minnie, thinking that no eyes were on her, took the chance to “check out” my son. That’s right….you can see it for yourself. She’s a flirt folks, and I have the indisputable proof. I just wish I could have gotten to Mr. Moyer before Minnie Mouse’s powerful team of attorneys did.

I feel bad for Mr. Moyer, but I also feel bad for Mickey. He has to suffer through this public humiliation too. And it’s not like he can just divorce Minnie, I mean, there may be a lot of fish in the sea, but there arent too damn many 5 foot tall female mice now are there? Not to mention his voice…not exactly Barry White…you know what I mean.

I’m sure we’ll go back in a couple of years, and I’m going to take this photo with me. I’m betting that with this golden ticket…we’ll be staying at the Grand Floridian all week, on the house mouse
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